Often times in my life, I have been asked this question "What would you want your kid to be in his/her life?” I end up being blank for sometime, frankly because I do not have an answer to the question. My argument is, how can I WANT my kids to be something specific in THEIR life? It is after all their life and it is what they want them to be in their own life which is significant. I do not want to impose my dreams on to my kids and in the process not letting them have their own dreams. All I would ideally want is to help them bring up in their life as good human beings; it is up to them where they want to end up in their life.
Dreams should be purely private; and till the time it remains private to an individual, the vigor and the passion to achieve those dreams are natural. The parents could help the kids by giving the kids ample opportunities (which they can afford) for the kids to pursue those dreams.
A common trend has been the case of passing the dreams/ambitions from one generation to the next. Parents of Mr. X wanted x to be an IAS, right from the time Mr. X was born the parents try to make him understand that he has to be an IAS, and that is his parents dream for him. So now Mr. X has to make his parents dreams, his own dream. In the process Mr. X might not really know what his natural passions are, or even if he knows he cannot pursue those passions as there are far more significant dreams in place. As Mr. X grows up, he tries his level best to be an IAS. But, the thing he does not realize is that he actually does not have the potential to be an IAS. Gradually, but surely his parents also realize that their dreams for their son will not be fulfilled and it will remain a dream for ever. Mr. X now struggles to find an alternate career (other than being a civil servant) in his life. And as Mr. X is a fighter, he manages to find a career which is fruitful enough. But Mr. X is not really sure if this fruitful job is what he longed for. Since, he is now grown up in life he cannot take undue risks to identify and pursue his passions. After all he has to get married, have his own family. How and where will he find time to think about or pursue his own dreams? Invariably he ends up with excuses, that he could not be an IAS as he did not have enough opportunities/resources or because of some misfortune.
As Mr. X has successfully managed to have a fruitful alternate career, he gets married easily and after few years Mr. X becomes a proud father of a girl. The day Mr. X's realizes that he is going to be a father, he starts dreaming that his son/daughter is going to be an IAS. The day Mr. X's dream spring's up, it would mark the end of dreams of his son/daughter about their own life. Mr. X proudly makes his wife aware of the plans. If Mr. X's wife also has her own set of dreams for her son/daughter, then they try to reach a consensus, based on which dream is bigger ;). Mr. X makes a point that he could not achieve his dreams (which are actually not his own dreams) as he had limited opportunities, but he will make sure that he gives all the opportunities to his kids to help them realize HIS dream. And this cycle of dreams goes on.... dreams passed from one generation to the other.
While these dreams are passed on from one generation to the other, at some stage the imposed dreams might get fulfilled. But, the point I would like to make is will those fulfillment of dreams would give them the utmost satisfaction in their life. Perhaps not, perhaps these passed on dreams have killed the ability of the new generation to have their own dreams. They fail to follow their own ambitions, pursue their own passions, simply because they do not have time invested for those. It is not about what we want our kids to be in their life, it should be what the kids think about their own life and understand where their interest in life lies. Parents can always help them make sensible and correct decisions, but the choice has to be their (the kid's).
One perfect example that comes to my mind is that of Harsha Bhogle. Harsha was born in Hyderabad to a Marathi speaking family. Harsha was quite good in studies and his parents were professors. Harsha completed his chemical engineering before graduating from IIM, Ahmedabad. Harsha's passion always lied associated with Cricket, though he never played any competitive cricket. In order to pursue HIS passion, he began his career as a commentator with AIR at the age of 19. Moving forward in this career, he has become one of the greatest cricket commentators today. Harsha knew where his passion was and he put his heart and soul to pursue HIS passion. Today the satisfaction he has with his job would be greater than many others. The joy he brings to the followers of the game with his commentary is paramount. The quality of his commentary is better than many other cricket pundits who have played competitive cricket though out their life. Harsha was able to identify his passion and he dedicated his life to follow that passion.
Our kids being an IAS, astronaut, writer, and lawyer are great things. But it would be greater if we allow our kids follow their own passion and we help them excel in their field of interest. Today we have parents who push their kids to be part of (Unreal) Reality shows and Talent hunts, but in doing so they fail to realize that they are taking away precious moments of their kids life, where they want to LIVE as kids. Let them LIVE their own life and they surely will end up being the REAL STARS of your and THEIR life (just with a little bit of guidance from your side).
I have talked a LOT; I hope I LIVE the talk :)
11 comments:
You have aptly brought out the common tendency of parents towards their children. Any parent is a human being first , and has had his own share of success and failure in his life, through his child he/she tries to obtain vicarious sense of victory by enforcing the career path of their own predilection.
However, if we look closer, we find that the malaise is deeper. If its all about pursuing passion then very certainly you would allow your kid to play all day or do whatever he likes , but instead you guide him , because you believe you need to show him the right way , the way which world values. You yourself manifest these social tendencies of success by putting up the example of Harsha Bhogle,why him? Just because he was successful you would say that his passion was great .There are zillion of examples around us , who pursue their passion of choice and are never known or are losers in terms of the society. You certainly wont be favoring any such "passion" for your child.
What I believe is that behind all such "passion" talk is a hypocritical and covert wish to see your child succeed in social terms. Whereas, a sincere belief in success by pursuing one's passion would only value individual success and not measure it socially.
Having said that, if you walk the talk , you would certainly help your child discover its his/her passion , and then identify if you can afford to allow him his passion. Idealism needs to be peppered with realism . :)
Hey Brother,
Totally concent upon the words you have written in this blog BUT as far as I know ,both the things are TRUE . First , you just let your kids do what their HEART says bcoz there are many things in life that they are bound to do and they will be doing as we does . Second, Parents who are feeling that my kid become So and So , Actually they are not FLEETING/passing their dreams/ambitions on their kids, the thing is they wanted to fullfil their dreams ( the one they were not able to accomplish in their time ) in the eyes of their kids . Brother please comment if you are agree or disgree . Thanks
@ Siddarth..
I am not against being successful in life mate, but I would not like the concept of parents defining the area where to succeed. And I think I also did mention, about guiding the kids through the right way.
The idea of seeing your child succeed is not a point I have any contention upon. Success defined by world, society or yourself is also not the point I have made. I have tried to get my focus on letting the kids free to decide and determine their passions in life, the only role parents could play could be of guides.
@ Hemant
I do not agree to the concept of trying to win the battle with your kids,where you have lost. What if the kid is not at all interested in that battle of life ;)
@Jolly
Firstly, You do revere success in social terms, its implicit by your example.
Secondly, "Guide" is a term , too wide in scope and with several meanings. However, I sincerely wish you identify the fine line of demarcation wherever apt.
To some sort good views,when talking in general about pressure what today,s children are getting from home.Nobody can compel someone else to do something for a long time.It is true in family life with kids too.Then the twist comes,from where they get positive energy,enthusiasm,guidance and DREAMS.With out even dreaming of some person,some day,today's world would be different altogether.When you cherish your dreams with your kids in the proper way and manner it will make the change not with compulsion ,but with compassion.
Where you draw the silver line to differentiate your dream with kid's dream,that is the crux which make you different from millions of other below par parents.Let Robert frost come to my dreams" woods are lovely dark and deep,but i have promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep and miles to go before i sleep.
you have to cultivate the habit to kids with the attitude"YES I CAN".It does nt really matter whether your child become a rag picker or rock star.Go wild with your dreams,dreams with your kids,with your destiny,with your soul.Then the growth and path will be natural.
At last according to AYN RAND "every person has his own ego to fulfil,nothing more nothing less".
cheers buddy.Keep thinking and do write.(NOT KEEP WALKING WITH JOHNIE WALKER)
Robin
I don't agree completely with you. First of all what do you think at what age a person really realize what he or she like to do. If you go around most of the time dream are flactuating. Today i like to be IT engineer, tomorrow I want to be a scientist, and you never know day after India won a world cup and not I want to be a cricketer, So first of all person should really be aware of the where he/she will be get at most satisfaction. At there parents has a role to play. They need to help find it out what actually their kid want to do. Its not the designation which give the satisfaction, it what the job bring along with give the satisfaction. I may find satisfaction where I have the power so I will be satisfied with any job which gives me the power. If parents are dreaming for their kid, it does not mean that they are imposing, it might be possible that they know where exactly their kid get satisfaction and trying ti map that to a job.
According to me its good to free the kid with his/her dream if you are sure that kid is good enough to actually realize where the satisfaction and not going with the what outer world is showing it. If this is not the case its good to tell the kids what you are dreaming and how it bring him what he/she actually desire.
I agree and disagree with Manoj's comments here.
Yes, its true that you should let your kid realize how mature his decision is on various stages of his life. If a kid wants to be a policemen, no harm in that... you, as a parent can be proud that he want to live by the law... not dead by it :) All these various ambitions of kid/teen can have a positive impact on the way they are brought up. When its time to choose a career, he would be mature enough to understand your analysis - well in most cases atleast.
Also, as a parent - you may never know the potential of the young gun 100%. You can only judge by what you've seen so far where in reality, only some of it have been visible to you. So have faith and support his decision - if you see truth and goodness in that - don't put off his zest.
All said and done.... its still a very thin red line :)
My dear loving Brother Jolly,
What you have written is very correct to an extend.
I wont be a Priest of Jesus Christ for the People if my Parents were imposing their dreams upon me.
Today i am happy in my ministry for the greater glory of God.They helped me in many ways at my childhood to find out my right path of life.Later they guided me in all my ways to Priesthood.
I am indebted to them.
I am proud of my Parents
with love
Rijoachen
Dear Jolly,
First thing that I want to remind you after going through What you have written is that your kids are "already somebody". Knowing this truth help you ease your worries for tomorrow. We all go through these thoughts and feelings as parents , so many times in our life and finding no answer!!!
I remember reading the great Poet Khalil Gibran and his words about parent child relationship. "Give your love to your children, Never your thoughts"!
Just watch them grow, enjoy it! And love and respect them, because they are the owners of a different individuality! We are not their owners!
At the same time, there lies a great resposiblity of of being parents, which needs to be undertaken with utmost dedication.
communication and expression of what we belive in , in terms of values are important. Teach them to love and respect themselves, in order to love and respect everyone else around them. A free mind is required for free thinking.. Observe them and listen to them, You will also realise that Its not only them, even you will be learning a lot from your kids, its the most amazing thing in the world!!!
Professionally , Yes, Let it be their choice, as you said, I am also of the opinion that dreams and individualistic,hence their path and accomplishment!! All you need to do is , relax and watch, with a little bit of guidance, as to how much they do need it. Do your duty with dedication and without any expectaion, Easier said than done??!!
There is an arabian saying " Give your kids the roots and wings".Yes, it says it all.
Love,
Lincy.
I agree with what Jolly blogs that we have to give the kids the freedom to choose their future. More importantly the issue we are discussing is should we "enforce" the kids to aim only for a specific path which the parents have dreamt. And this is absolutely not correct. But, at the same time parent's responsibility (as suggested in the blog and what my parents did to me) is to teach certain values and provide information which will "enable" the kid to choose a certain path in defining his future. The maturity level when a kid thinks of his/her future comes at a certain age and till this point in their lives the parents should definitely guide them.
Having said that, there are certain limitations for every family w.r.t what one can achieve, what their financial status is and what they can excel in. One should also look at these limitation in deciding what he/she wants to be in future. For example, I wouldn't have a family background which would have made me dream of becoming a politician. Parents should be flexible, open and realistic in suggesting their kids future.
Finally, I can say that as it is wrong to fix/decide/dream of their kids, it is also important for the kids to be mature enough and do their best honestly, fight the difficulties in the path and to achieve one's goal in life.
After all, what makes any parents happy is when their kids succeed in whatever field they choose.
Agree to disagree
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